Fraternal Bonds, The Cutting Of
by Guttersnipe
Summary: But as he turned to go, Itachi said something that he just knew would be repeating itself in his head after this. “Sasuke, it’s bros before hoes.” “I can’t believe you just said that to me with a straight face,” Sasuke said, looking back in disbelief.Crac


Fraternal Bonds, The Cutting Of

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Warning: The following story contains crack! content that may not be appreciated by some readers. Reader discretion is advised. Also, this is AU. _**AU**_, I say! Please remember that.

There were some things in life that, regardless of age or circumstance, should _never_ be witnessed by anyone other than yourself and whoever may have been involved in the unfortunate event with you. It should be a law of nature that no uncomfortable, embarrassing, and/or pride-damaging experience could be spied or walked in on by an uninvolved party. It would eradicate blackmail and save the already-abused victims from further exploitation.

But just because it _should_ be so didn't mean it was, as Sasuke was acutely aware.

If it were, Sasuke was pretty sure that his brother would _not_ be standing in the doorway right now, looking as though it was taking all of his willpower to restrain a Cheshire Cat grin from showing itself on his face. Sasuke could practically _hear_ the schadenfreude as it amassed in his dear older brother. To take such deep joy from witnessing his little brother's spectacular failure, Itachi must have had something wrong with his conscience, Sasuke was convinced. Or maybe he just found watching girls get pissed off at their boyfriends, slap them _hard_ across the face, and then run away crying to be entertaining. Well, even then he was still messed up.

Sasuke scowled at the injustice of his situation, the expression only deepening when Itachi settled against the doorframe in a relaxed stance. That could only mean one thing: he was going to exacerbate the discomfort already present because he obviously didn't have anything better to do with his time—like a child who was compelled to poke a beached jellyfish with a stick for the heck of it.

_Who_, in all their sage wisdom, had decided that making Itachi the oldest would be a good idea? This little debacle might haunt him for weeks now, thanks to that.

The actual situation that Itachi had just happened to overhear was painful and embarrassing as it was, without the additional torture of someone else having witnessed it.

Sakura had been over. Sakura, who was Sasuke's girlfriend. Or, at least, she _had_ been his girlfriend. That statement might no longer hold true after their little..._episode_, what with all the screaming and the crying and the _slapping_. Yeah.

"It's like you have some mysterious gift," Itachi spoke cheerily. "Can you make babies cry, also?"

Sasuke glared at the intruder, eyes murderous. "It's not like I _meant_ to do that."

"Well, you seemed to be doing awfully well at it for someone who wasn't trying," Itachi commented, purposely aloof.

The younger Uchiha's eyes narrowed to invisible slits of teenage angst. "Screw you."

"Now, now. No need to get hostile. I'm just saying, your effortless way with women astounds me. I could never be so blunt with them."

"_Shut it_."

"What?" Itachi asked, face free of any and all traces of guilt. (At this point, Sasuke came to the conclusion that the guy didn't even _have _a conscience.) "I'm complementing you on your openness with the fairer sex. Women appreciate candour, Sasuke. At least they say they do." He appeared thoughtful for a moment. "But if that were true, I suppose your face wouldn't be stinging right now then, would it?" A sympathetic look crossed Itachi's face, like a parent coddling a child. "It's okay; you can put some ice on it if it pains you too much."

"Tch. I barely even felt it," Sasuke scoffed, fisting his hands against his thighs to ensure one didn't creep up to rub the freaking painful welt on his face.

"You don't have to lie about it. I've heard that Naruto-kun is absolutely terrified of Sakura-san's violent side, saying the pain makes you wish for a death that simply will not come." A smirk twisted his lips. "And considering I know first-hand just how much of a beating he can take, I'd say that must mean Sakura-san's blows are quite formidable."

"The dobe's just weak," the teen muttered, moving his lips as little as possible to prevent the stinging skin from having to stretch.

"But of course," Itachi nodded, stepping into the room and completely ignoring the resentful glower his dear little brother was beaming his way. "So, would you care to explain to me what you _were_ doing, since you say that you weren't actually trying to do what it is you ended up doing?"

Sasuke scoffed, looking away with an indignant snap of his head. Like he would explain it to Itachi; give the man more fodder for his twisted mode of amusement.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I catch you during your daily drama queen freak out? Because I could come back later when your boyish masculinity returns." A thoughtful look crossed Itachi's face, fingers reaching up to touch his chin as his eyes turned calculating. "Perhaps that's why Sakura-san left you; she realized that you're more woman than man and lost all attraction toward you."

"She didn't leave me!" Sasuke snapped, glaring at his brother with all the ocular venom he could muster. "She just...departed from my presence in an irate manner."

"Yes. She _left_ you."

"No! It's not the same thing! Your way implies that she broke up with me, which she didn't. She didn't _leave_ me."

A dark brow rose above one of Itachi's amused eyes. "And I suppose you still think your pet cat, Mr. Fluffy-paws, is living on the farm mom told you they sent him to when he got sick?"

Sasuke let out a low growl. "No," he grumbled, scowl turning into a melancholic frown. "I realized that was a lie last year when mom got me to dig holes for those shrubs she bought." He shook his head at the heart-crushing memory. "I wouldn't have realized it was him if it weren't for his collar."

"Mm, yes," Itachi hummed, a smile whispering at his lips. "The neon pink, _bedazzled_ collar that you _just had to have_ for your precious _Mr._ Fluffy-paws." His voice went condescending as he added, "I guess you've always had a thing for pink. It was just the _meaning_ of that preference that has been confusing you in your drama with Sakura-san."

"I'll have you know, Mr. Fluffy-paws' collar looked _red_ in the store, and _that's_ the reason why I wanted it," Sasuke insisted, ignoring the barb in Itachi's last comment.

"And the blinding rhinestone _hearts_ and _flowers_ that were studded to it looked like _skulls_ and _flames_, I suppose?"

A seething silence overtook them, as Sasuke stared hard at his brother, the want for a sharp quip in his heart, but no such retort on his tongue. Instead, he just scoffed out a "Tch!" and sat at his computer desk, willing the other male to just go _die_. How _dare_ he come in here, poke fun at his relationship woes, and then insult his dearly departed Mr. Fluffy-paws' _freaking awesome_ collar?!

Rapid clicking sounded from his computer mouse as Sasuke mindlessly skimmed through web pages, email accounts, and music files—anything to distract him from the probable truth of recent events, as Itachi had observed: Sakura had left him.

But she had _so_ overreacted! So, he had forgotten their anniversary and instead of spending the day or evening with her, he had gone to a movie with the guys, after which they had hung out in a location at which she could not contact him (Naruto's basement got terrible reception), and when she finally saw him again, just a few moments ago, he had brushed off the whole thing with about as much guilt as a saint would have. What was the big deal? And, okay, sure; he had forgotten to pick her up for a date that one time. And _almost_ forgot her birthday once (he still owed the dobe big time for helping him to sort of smooth that one over). _And_ he had refused to go watch that testosterone-killing chick-flick she had begged him to go to with her..._after_ he had said that he would (she had cheated and used _questionable_, nosebleed-inducing tactics! He couldn't carry through with what she had made him promise while under extreme duress! That would support her deplorable behaviour and make her think she could have her way whenever she wanted. He _had_ to break his promise to her. His macho, macho _manliness_ demanded it!). And, yes, there were a few other things he had done—or _hadn't_ done—that had earned him the attention of her ire: refusing to hold her hand in public—basically no public displays of affection at all; not introducing her as his girlfriend (he just found the term so cringe-inducing, for some reason, but she took it as a sign that he was embarrassed to let people know of their relationship, even though, as Sasuke had pointed out to her, everyone they knew was very aware of their "togetherness").

So, there were those _tiny_ items of issue, but for goodness' sake, he was only a man! She expected him to overhaul himself, but she was fine? Oh, no, no, no. That was not something he could agree to.

She had said that he didn't appreciate her and he was too egocentric that it felt like she was the "other woman" to his main squeeze—i.e. himself.

_Pfft. Whatever. She'll be back. This is just one of her moods. Her crazy inner, who she thinks I don't know about, probably had a freak-out and she just needs to cool down. She did not _leave_ me._

"So, how's lying to yourself coming along? Do you believe any of it yet?"

"_Itachi_," Sasuke hissed, snapping his finger down quite viciously on the mouse when he realized that his _dear_ brother was still lingering. Still finding amusement in his discontent. Still freaking _breathing_. Not even attempting to hide his frustration, Sasuke spat, "Get the hell out of my room! Don't you have a _job_ you should be _working_ at?"

Itachi gave an unconcerned shrug while shuffling through his younger brother's music collection, shaking his head at the _terribly_ untalented "artists" the kid listened to. "Don't you have anything that _doesn't_ mention being "cold" and "numb" and _isn't_ performed by people who look like a chimneysweep smacked them in the eyes with his broom?" he murmured, looking in distaste upon the morbid CD covers before him.

"That's music for the soul!" Sasuke shouted, indignant at his brother's insult to the poetic and musical _genius_ of his favourite bands. They spoke to him in ways no one else could. The music...it _was_ him, wholly and completely. The _hollowness_ and the _numbness_ and the _lack of feeling_ and the _coldness_ and the _frozenness_... The lyrics were so _diverse_ and _creative_ and talked about so many different things. How could anyone _not_ appreciate the soul-stirring words about frozen soulscapes, choked in hate and apathy?

"And everyone wonders why kids can't relate to others positively these days," the elder brother sighed, flicking the case back in place. Then a particular title caught his eye and he snatched it off the CD stand immediately, an uncontrollable grin curving his lips. "I wasn't aware that NSYNC spoke to the emo soul."

A harsh grumble-slash-hiss escaped Sasuke's mouth as he spun around to glare at a steadily smirking Itachi.

"That gaudy, pink cat collar is _really _making sense now," Itachi said, voice musing.

"The dobe gave that to me as a sick joke once, but he checks for it every time he comes here, so I can't throw it out," Sasuke snapped, snatching the embarrassing article away and slamming it back in its designated place within his alphabetized collection.

Itachi pressed the OPEN button on the nearby stereo, face forcibly neutral as he found just what he had expected to. "So, the CD is in your stereo because you just _pretend_ you like to listen to it sometimes?"

Red flowed into Sasuke's face at the discovery of the presence of the accursed CD in his stereo. He sputtered for a few moments, seeking a plausible lie, even as he knew Itachi wouldn't believe it.

"Sakura put it in there," he muttered awkwardly, not meeting the other's eyes.

"Mmhmm," Itachi hummed, nodding patronizingly. "She stormed in here to dump and slap you, but she stopped first to put the NSYNC CD in your stereo, but _not_ to listen to it, just because it would confuse you."

There was a heavy silence for a few moments—awkward and torturous for Sasuke; amusing and comfortable for Itachi, as he watched his little brother with a carefully schooled, blank expression, just a hint of a crinkle at the corners of his eyes that was enough to infuriate Sasuke _just so_.

"Get out," the teen spoke evenly, irritation bubbling just below his timbre. "Just _please_ leave. Surely you've tormented me enough for one day."

"Sasuke, I'm not here to torment you," Itachi said, voice softening to a slightly hurt tone—an act, Sasuke knew.

"Then what are you here for, if not to make my life miserable? Are you just _that_ bored, or what?" He paused, thinking for a moment. "Did you get fired?"

"Yes, Sasuke," Itachi deadpanned. "I was caught embezzling and was fired. The police are after me, so I just stopped by to say my goodbyes before I go on the lam."

"Well, no time to waste, then," Sasuke said breezily. "Send us a postcard when you get to a country that doesn't have an extradition agreement with ours."

"I'm surprised you didn't ask me to leave you some of the money I stole."

"I thought it was implied," he answered lightly. "But seriously. What do you want? It's weird with you hanging around me like this. It used to be the other way around."

Itachi shifted, the motion a substitute for a shrug. "I just thought I should check in on the family. I've been busy lately so I haven't seen you in awhile."

Sasuke watched the older man with calculating eyes. "Are you dying?"

A small laugh shook Itachi's shoulders. "No."

"Did you have a near-death experience, then?"

"No."

"So...you just wanted to visit?"

"Yes."

"...Okay," Sasuke spoke hesitantly. Then he just had to ask, "Did you marry some woman off the street and are now deciding what to do by revisiting home life?"

"No."

"Did you marry some _man_ off the street and are now deciding what—"

"_No._"

"Whoa. You sounded a little defensive there," Sasuke murmured, eyebrow raised meaningfully.

"Oh, I'm not the one who has issues with women, here," Itachi said, smoothly deflecting the punches back to Sasuke, where they had first been landing to begin with.

A nerve-bending beeping sounded from the cell phone on Sasuke's desk, interrupting his totally "Oh, snap!" worthy comeback (he swore it was that good!). He quickly checked the text message—a note from Naruto—and his face furrowed into an old man's glower.

"Has Naruto-kun broken up with you now, too?" Itachi asked, watching for the comical shift in his younger brother's features as his distracted mind caught up with the implications of Itachi's query.

However, the response was merely a small eye roll, which spoke to Sasuke's distraction; it was usually the easiest thing to bait Sasuke with such a comment, ever since the incident which shall not be spoken of (read: the accidental kiss between Naruto and Sasuke when they had been twelve). They were both teased mercilessly for it, largely by Itachi himself. Pissing off his little brother was just one of the most amusing things. And Naruto-kun was pretty interesting when riled up, too. He couldn't resist.

"The dobe says Sakura looks as though she's going to agree to go out with some guy who's hitting on her. Apparently she told everyone that we broke up."

"Well, she gets her vengeance quickly," Itachi commented dryly, watching the obvious conflict boiling beneath the other male's skin.

"So it would seem," Sasuke muttered, stabbing out a quick message back to Naruto.

The response he received about thirty seconds later was, "Git oveq her nox. Orshesgone. Im not gettin mx headbeatinfor yovr suupidnesr."

_Learn how to text properly, usuratonkachi,_ he sighed in his head.

"I have to go."

"Go? We haven't spoken in a month and a half and I'm about to run from the law with the six million I embezzled, so _who knows_ when the next time we will see each other might be, and you want to chase after a girl who just slapped you, bruising your cheek in the process"—here Sasuke grabbed a loose CD to check his reflection, finding a sizable bruise on his face right where Sakura had smacked him—"and is about to move on from you? Where's your brotherly love?"

Sasuke frowned. "You said you just wanted to visit for the sake of visiting. You were joking about the embezzling thing."

"Sasuke, I never joke about my criminal activities. It's not in good taste."

He gave Itachi an odd look. "Right. Anyway, I'm leaving."

But as he turned to go, Itachi said something that he just _knew _would be repeating itself in his head after this.

"Sasuke, it's bros before hoes."

"I can't believe you just said that to me with a straight face," Sasuke said, looking back in disbelief.

"Well, it's true," Itachi insisted, face completely serious.

Sasuke stared at his brother for a few confused moments, indecision rampant in his mind. Itachi had bizarre quirks, this he knew. But, dude was seriously weirding him out today.

He shook his head. This wasn't something he had time for right now. His girlfriend had just left him (insert picture of a giant, bruised ego here) and was now _pretending_ to move on already, which meant she was trying to make him jealous and _sorry_, which she had now succeeded in doing. He _had_ to go!

"Whatever," he sighed, collecting his wallet and keys. "I'm not going to blow this just because you've all of a sudden decided to be sentimental."

"Mm. You're right, Sasuke," Itachi murmured thoughtfully, nodding in too-authentic-to-be-authentic agreement. "Teenage romance _always_ lasts forever, growing _especially_ strong through the college years. You would be a fool not to damage your _temporary_ and _replaceable_ relationship with your brother, so you can preserve your _eternal_ bonds with your high school sweetheart."

Sasuke frowned at the other man, mildly irritated now. "I'm not damaging anything. You're trying to sabotage my relationship with Sakura for your own amusement, or something. It won't work."

"Sasuke, I am hurt that you would think such a thing of me."

"Oh, I'm sure you are," he grumbled under his breath, heading for the door.

"You know, just because my face lacks all ability to do anything but smirk and occasionally glare, doesn't mean I don't have feelings in here," Itachi said, pointing two fingers at his chest over his heart. "Words hurt, man. Right here."

The teen looked back over his shoulder in slightly perturbed disinterest. "I hate you."

"For some reason, I get a sudden wave of déjà vu whenever you say that to me," Itachi commented, suddenly pondering the feeling that had overcome him.

"That's interesting," Sasuke answered, pausing at the open door, "because I get the sudden urge to find a fire extinguisher whenever you glare at something."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Hm."

A thoughtful silence hung between them for a while as teasing, almost-memories lingered on the very edges of their minds, making them wonder at the oddities that prompted such experiences.

"_Anyway_," Sasuke spoke, bring their attention back to the present. "I'm gone."

"Well, I hope it works out for you, Sasuke. You should bring her flowers," Itachi called after him. "I'll be sure to send you a postcard. I was thinking of Fiji, or something."

"Right. You do that," Sasuke called back, voice flat.

A week later, Sasuke received a postcard with a scene of Fiji on it. The note on the back simply read, "You didn't get the flowers, did you? –Itachi."

Sasuke just blinked in disbelief, pressing a cold compress to his freshly swollen cheek.

**The End**

**Guttersnipe's Word:** Wow. That was absolutely useless. Ah, pointless stories. That is the wonder of crackage. This is my way of showing some measure of acceptance for the new vision the manga has given of Itachi. I really liked him as a villain, so I was initially resistant to Kishimoto making him good. I feared that it might ruin that whole plot line, taking away from how dark and twisty it was. But, now that we've had it explained to us, I find that it's actually become even darker than it originally was, so I have come to accept Itachi as not pure evil. This is my sign of acceptance of that. It had to be AU, though. I couldn't put this in canon settings. I just couldn't do it. I'm not _that_ accepting, you know.

Please review!


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